Been a While

This weekend has been a major bummer.

I've realized that I really don't have any close friends around here. Something I think I have known for a while but all just came together this weekend to really justify itself. The people I'm close to are far away. LAK and my dad are really the only people I can feel completely uninhibited with. And it's getting to the point where Lee Ann is doing her own thing and I don't really feel like we're that close. Even though we have always had a literal distance between us, I feel like we just aren't there. What is there? I'm not sure. Something just isn't sitting right with me. Let me try to explain:

If I were to ask her if anything was wrong for her, she would probably say no everything is fine. But she isn't in my shoes. She has people around her. She's been in my shoes as far as not feeling as though she had any good friends, but at the same time she had her family close and then when she went to UAR she had Laura. So even though she says she felt alone and has been through what I am currently going through, she really hasn't. I don't have anyone. No family or friends that aren't closer than 200 miles away. And I am completely broke which only compounds the situation. So she may say she knows, but I don't know if she really does. Anyway, I think that her and I might just be in different places, probably because she has support and companionship when I don't.

I know for a fact that what happens is when I have people to hang out with, LA and my relationship is good. Most likely because I don't concentrate as much on our relationship and I don't need her to fill that void. But what she doesn't realize is that when I don't have that companionship and I look to her for it, she really doesn't give it to me. I don't even know what she should be like. Maybe just more compassionate. Like when I called her and was angry and she comes at me like I don't have anything to be angry about. Maybe I don't, but that's not what I want to hear. I just want some compassion and someone to vent to sometimes. What if she were to call me and be upset and I just laughed at her after she explained it to me and said "Thats it?" I don't think that would sit too well with her. So I don't know exactly what I want from her in that respect, but I do have some ideas in certain circumstances. I just want her to reassure me and let me know that everything is going to be allright sometimes. Let me be angry or sad or whatever I am but don't make it worse by saying something I don't want to hear. It's up to me though to communicate that with her. So I will try to do a better job of that.

As far as how I feel about her, I don't know. After reading this His Needs, Her Needs book, I start to realize that how I feel about certain things is normal. I see other girls as possibilities for relationships. Not that I would act on those feelings, and not that I even see myself being with them, but just the thought that someone would be there instead of not be there. Does that make sense to you Josh? Yes it does. It's like I am in a relationship and try to tell myself that I shouldn't think about any other girl or see any other girl in that way, but I do. And I can't help it. Because I want to be in a relationship, whatever that relationship might be. Because right now I don't have any close personal relationship with anyone around me. So since I don't have that with LA, naturally I notice when someone might facilitate that need for me. So I don't think it's wrong for me to see that possibility in other girls. I honestly can't help it.

When I interact with a girl that I might make an initial connection with, I can't help but think "Man it would be nice to really have that deep connection with someone I am close to and that I can connect with like I do with Lee Ann." So then I catch myself thinking of what if this person could do that? It's a complicated process. Basically LAK isn't meeting my needs and when another girl does, it makes me kinda wonder. And then that all brings me back to the question of what me and LAK's relationship would be like if we were just near each other. It always comes back to that. Always.

I'm losing my train of thought and feel like this is getting more and more confusing as I write. It probably is.

I try to remind myself that things will be better. Whether tomorrow, or the next day, or a week from now. Whenever it is, it will come.

And another thing regarding my relationship with Lee Ann. The whole not talking to each other for a long period of time is still in my thoughts. For some reason I keep coming to the conclusion that it would be a good idea to do. Especially when I weigh out the possible pros and cons. I think if we were to do this, I would stop looking for LA to meet these needs I have, so it would then take the stress off of her in regards to us. The only con I can think of is not talking to her. And she agrees. But just by the way things are now, it doesn't seem like that's really that much of a negative outcome. What do we talk about now. What is so important that we would be losing by not talking. I can rarely get a hold of her when I want to already, and I'm usually busy or am pinched for time when she calls me. So our conversations lately have been very ho hum and dry. I would say for the past week or maybe a little more. That's all I really get from her anyway. Just conversation, which, like I said, is pretty dry. I mean I love her more than anyone, but that is about all I can see that separates us from any of my other relationships. And I feel like that is only becoming more and more true. I just don't really know what to think. I need to think about all this some more.

11/10/07

We beat Arkansas today. Yay. I have had one of the most unproductive days today that I have had in the past couple weeks. Playing NCAA 06 and watching college football for 8 hours isn't quite getting things done. However, I did enjoy watching Ohio State get beat by Illinois, therefore ultimately shaping LSU's title run into what it will hopefully become.

I don't have much going on this weekend since I was able to get ahead in most of my schoolwork on Thursday. And since I am flat broke, I am very limited in what I can do. It sucks not having any money. I just have to find a way to finish out the month. Not an easy task though. I have a very boring life sometimes. I think I might be the cause of that, though. There are probably a million different exciting things I could have done today, but I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I did get food today. How awesome is that?

Speaking of food...I can't wait for Thanksgiving. It will be so nice to eat real food and get away from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a few days. Even as much as I love PB & J's, I really am drooling for some turkey and dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, maybe a honey baked ham, and a pie of some sort. Naming all that actually put a smile on my face and made my eyes water. That's how excited I am. mmm mmm good.

11/8/07

Another great day to be me. I love when I have consecutive days in which I am consistently in a great mood. And now I feel that with the addition of this online journal that I will be able to remember these great moods.

I've stayed very busy today. I think that is a major factor in keeping me happy. I feel like I have accomplished the goals I set for myself. I got everything done that I wanted to get done. Went to class, got a head start on some Ed Psych homework, played basketball, and worked for three hours. I am in great position to do well in school this semester which would be a first since I have been here at UT. That always provides for some excitement. As long as I can stay focused and finish strong, I should have over a 3.0 in a semester for the first time in my college career.

The weather finally feels like Fall should feel. Its cool and crisp, but not too cold where you can't enjoy it. I watched a "horror" movie called 1408 last night and it was kind of spooky , but nothing to write home about. I find that it takes a lot to scare me. I've been desensitized to that kind of stuff due to the fact that I have seen so much that it just doesn't get to me like it used to.

My relationships with LeeAnn and my dad continue to grow in ways that I would have never imagined. I am so happy that I have gotten close to my dad over the past couple years. It started slow, but lately things have just been rapidly deepening. It's great that I have such good people that are also close to me. It makes life a lot more pleasing. LeeAnn has been amazing throughout our entire relationship but over the past year I really feel an incredibly strong connection to her. We have discovered better ways to express ourselves to each other, we have suffered together, we have experienced things together, and all that has made us stronger as both people and as a couple. I continue to find the distance an overwhelming barrier to climb, however we somehow have persistently managed it pretty well. No doubt it's difficult and will continue to be so, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. She has been such a good foundation for me throughout our entire being together. I honestly can say that I have never trusted someone the way I trust her. It's a completely vulnerable, uninhibited, and open trust. Without that I don't think we ever could have made it this far. And I've made it as hard as I could on her. She has had a much more difficult road to travel because of decisions and mistakes that I have so selfishly made. Thank God for her strength and belief in me. It has changed both my perception of my life and the way I view other's lives. I honestly couldn't ask for a better person to know.

These things add up to a happy me. I am so blessed and thankful for everything that I have. God has been very gracious to me with the strength and wisdom he has provided. I don't tell Him enough, but I love truly love my God. He has been unbelievably generous in my life. Especially in the times where I have been stupid and inconsiderate and unthoughtful. I've done nothing to earn what He has given me.

MTV

I'm just so damn tired of the crap they put on this station. What happened to the music part of "Music Television"? Now you have to pay extra to get the MTV channel that actually shows music videos. It's a load of BS if you ask me. Especially since the programs they have on are so ridiculously immature that they are almost laughable. I try not to even give them that much credit. Do the exec's at MTV really think they have struck some kind of broadcasting gold? Maybe what happened was that the company was handed over to some of The Hills stars a long time ago and I just wasn't aware of it. It's funny that they are competing with VH1, but they are doing so only with "reality" shows. Thats like NBC switching over to public access TV while CBS and ABC follow suit. This all follows my last night viewing of five minutes of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, or however you spell her name. Society is at an all time low when someone like that can become famous for simply being a slut. Hookers and strippers, there appears to be a whole new array of hope for you all. Congrats.

You suck MTV.

11/7/07

I'm brand new to this... again, so this is somewhat of a trial run to get my feet re-soaked in online blogging. I don't expect this to be read by anyone, especially since I am using it only for the benefit of myself, but if it is feel free to enjoy. That's right I gave you permission to enjoy. In an attempt to maintain my sanity, I find that writing my crazy thoughts down somehow accomplishes that very goal. So, as for now, I only intend this to be used as my personal emotional dumpster. However, thats not to say that I won't become a Pulitzer prize journalist or author because of this. You never know. Because really, why write if you aren't going to be recognized for it? Matter of fact, why do anything unless extrinsically motivated in some way. Note the sarcasm.

Like I said, this is for my benefit, so if you have happened upon this by some strange sort of magical way, then my apologies go out to you. Perhaps I can somehow find a way to draw an audience from this. That would be quite a feat for me, considering my intentions are the complete opposite of that. I find myself a ramblin' man so onto other topics. I think if you are reading this you should get the gist by now anyway.

My being consists of a handful of important topics that make up the muscle and organs of my life. These could be viewed in the same sense that carbon is viewed in organic life. Without it they don't exist, but it's not exactly everything either. I feel that I have narrowed these down pretty well (in no particular order), but as always they are subject to change at any point in time.

1. School, school, school. This takes up by far the most time in my life, but amounts to maybe third on my effort put in. It shouldn't be this way, but until I learn how to change it, it will continue to go unchanged. Makes sense right?

As a side note, I am continually realizing that each of these things builds and supports the others in very interesting ways. It truly is amazing the depth and breadth ones life makes up, and the experiences and learning from those experiences that interweaves themselves to make a person as unique as they are.

2. Broadly, are my relationships with different people. This alone can be broken down into many possible subcategories, but I will fail miserably at spending the time to try to explain each one. This comes in a very close second on my amount of time scale but is way in front of the pack on my effort scale. I really feel like this is the single most important part of a person's life. And at the forefront of this is a personal relationship with God. I don't spend nearly enough time on that aspect of my life, and I mainly attribute that to the fact that I don't put myself into positions to remind myself to maintain it like I should. It typically comes as an afterthought to some other event in my life, if it even comes at all. But the relationships that I do focus on are the people in my life. Whether they be acquaintances, buddies, close friends, family, or my girlfriend, they all take the cake on importance in my life. Without people I would be alone, and it's no fun by yourself. Plus I'm not creative enough to come up with cool imaginary friends, so that alone shows me how much I need to have good relationships in my life.

3. God and religion could be on this by themselves, but, since I touched on that just a minute ago, I won't delve into it here. All I will say is that it's funny how I feel like I know how important God is in every aspect of life, yet I still am so inadequate at pursuing Him. It really doesn't make any sense. Maybe I'm just kidding myself when I say I know. Maybe I don't really have a clue.

4. Basketball/Exercise/Health is the last thing on my list. These things keep me feeling good and keep me happy, therefore are important.

So that's that for that.
I'm mentally exhausted. Maybe I'll pick up on this later.