Been a While

This weekend has been a major bummer.

I've realized that I really don't have any close friends around here. Something I think I have known for a while but all just came together this weekend to really justify itself. The people I'm close to are far away. LAK and my dad are really the only people I can feel completely uninhibited with. And it's getting to the point where Lee Ann is doing her own thing and I don't really feel like we're that close. Even though we have always had a literal distance between us, I feel like we just aren't there. What is there? I'm not sure. Something just isn't sitting right with me. Let me try to explain:

If I were to ask her if anything was wrong for her, she would probably say no everything is fine. But she isn't in my shoes. She has people around her. She's been in my shoes as far as not feeling as though she had any good friends, but at the same time she had her family close and then when she went to UAR she had Laura. So even though she says she felt alone and has been through what I am currently going through, she really hasn't. I don't have anyone. No family or friends that aren't closer than 200 miles away. And I am completely broke which only compounds the situation. So she may say she knows, but I don't know if she really does. Anyway, I think that her and I might just be in different places, probably because she has support and companionship when I don't.

I know for a fact that what happens is when I have people to hang out with, LA and my relationship is good. Most likely because I don't concentrate as much on our relationship and I don't need her to fill that void. But what she doesn't realize is that when I don't have that companionship and I look to her for it, she really doesn't give it to me. I don't even know what she should be like. Maybe just more compassionate. Like when I called her and was angry and she comes at me like I don't have anything to be angry about. Maybe I don't, but that's not what I want to hear. I just want some compassion and someone to vent to sometimes. What if she were to call me and be upset and I just laughed at her after she explained it to me and said "Thats it?" I don't think that would sit too well with her. So I don't know exactly what I want from her in that respect, but I do have some ideas in certain circumstances. I just want her to reassure me and let me know that everything is going to be allright sometimes. Let me be angry or sad or whatever I am but don't make it worse by saying something I don't want to hear. It's up to me though to communicate that with her. So I will try to do a better job of that.

As far as how I feel about her, I don't know. After reading this His Needs, Her Needs book, I start to realize that how I feel about certain things is normal. I see other girls as possibilities for relationships. Not that I would act on those feelings, and not that I even see myself being with them, but just the thought that someone would be there instead of not be there. Does that make sense to you Josh? Yes it does. It's like I am in a relationship and try to tell myself that I shouldn't think about any other girl or see any other girl in that way, but I do. And I can't help it. Because I want to be in a relationship, whatever that relationship might be. Because right now I don't have any close personal relationship with anyone around me. So since I don't have that with LA, naturally I notice when someone might facilitate that need for me. So I don't think it's wrong for me to see that possibility in other girls. I honestly can't help it.

When I interact with a girl that I might make an initial connection with, I can't help but think "Man it would be nice to really have that deep connection with someone I am close to and that I can connect with like I do with Lee Ann." So then I catch myself thinking of what if this person could do that? It's a complicated process. Basically LAK isn't meeting my needs and when another girl does, it makes me kinda wonder. And then that all brings me back to the question of what me and LAK's relationship would be like if we were just near each other. It always comes back to that. Always.

I'm losing my train of thought and feel like this is getting more and more confusing as I write. It probably is.

I try to remind myself that things will be better. Whether tomorrow, or the next day, or a week from now. Whenever it is, it will come.

And another thing regarding my relationship with Lee Ann. The whole not talking to each other for a long period of time is still in my thoughts. For some reason I keep coming to the conclusion that it would be a good idea to do. Especially when I weigh out the possible pros and cons. I think if we were to do this, I would stop looking for LA to meet these needs I have, so it would then take the stress off of her in regards to us. The only con I can think of is not talking to her. And she agrees. But just by the way things are now, it doesn't seem like that's really that much of a negative outcome. What do we talk about now. What is so important that we would be losing by not talking. I can rarely get a hold of her when I want to already, and I'm usually busy or am pinched for time when she calls me. So our conversations lately have been very ho hum and dry. I would say for the past week or maybe a little more. That's all I really get from her anyway. Just conversation, which, like I said, is pretty dry. I mean I love her more than anyone, but that is about all I can see that separates us from any of my other relationships. And I feel like that is only becoming more and more true. I just don't really know what to think. I need to think about all this some more.